Dear God, I’ve fallen again

Either I’m on a lucky streak or I’m setting myself up for major destruction.

Last weekend I was partying it up to fight my isolation. This weekend I went out on a blind date with my friend and his girlfriend.

I’ve been so nervous about it I couldn’t muster the strength to blog about it this week.

We went to a restaurant last night to start (there were plans to go to a party next door later). Sobriety felt like a non-option.

Our waitress approaches and asks if we want to start with drinks. There was something about the way she asked that I knew she wasn’t talking about waters.

She leaves a drink menu, and that’s when I know for certain she ain’t ID-ing…I share my insight with the table and my friends girlfriend and I decide to test.

She orders a pina colada (on virgin menu and regular menu) and I order this pineapple rum drink (same deal).

Sure enough, I get a supercharged rum pineapple that I drink throughout the two and a half hours we were there.

My “date”, didn’t have anything to drink there. Unfortunately for me, I thought drinking was in the night plans and I was just the starter.

Nope,

I’m the only drunk one the whole night. Thankfully, it didn’t affect anyone’s good time.

Back to the girl…

Can this idiot stay on topic?

She girl was really cool, giggly, and quirky. I was on a vibe (alcohol-induced) and we ended up in a CVS playing with the toys on the shelf.

She took a lyft back to her place last night and I just heard from her an hour ago.

What has ruined me in the past is ever-present. I’ve lost all my last ones to it.

An overactive imagination coupled with crippling insecurities/loneliness/self-consciousness that sets ridiculous expectations only to never be realized out of fear.

I had the love dreams, but I handled them this time. I felt them and I thought the same old dangerous thoughts.

Except now,

I don’t let those thoughts be my only thoughts. I take different perspectives. I acknowledge my own fear and anxieties and I accept that they are here.

Soaaarin’, flyyyin’, there’s not a star in heaven that we can’t reach…

It’s easier said than done and that’s standard for anything relating to mental health.

I don’t want to protect myself anymore. I just want to be free.

We allow ourselves hurt, over and over, then novercompensate by masking our vulnerability. We can’t afford to let anyone see our true self.

When we feel alone we tend to think that nobody is worthy of us, because we want someone to suffer for us. When this isn’t your intention, the guilt you feel towards love is intense. It’s a false belief about why you aren’t worthy. You’re ignorant to the truth and accepted an illogic idea that causes emotional suffering.

Who knows why we all choose to suffer? I’ve got about a million of reasons I could think of for myself. I even have my favorites.

I don’t want to suffer anymore than I have to. I’m always going to have these feelings and I have to learn to deal with them instead of hiding them.