I live out in the city now. I pay modest rent and have a roommate.
I had a fling that was very fun but gone now.
Never will I make the mistake again of pushing through or compromising on someone else unreadiness.
So it’s over and I’m lonely again. More lonely now than ever, ironically, since moving out was supposed to solve problems not create them.
It’s early into my time out and just like in college it will take time for me to slow down and adjust properly.
It’s all good though. I can smile and breathe easier. I have new neighbors, nice people. Strangers want to talk in the city and they have no idea how fiend I am for a random conversation.
A fella from Oregon asked how I was liking my new car. This year’s Accord, with leather seats, and a sparkling white with black trim. I told him I loved it. I gave him a full review. It was between that and a Tesla for him. I hope he’s happy with whatever he picks.
I have therapy today. After my fling ended, I wanted to pull the appointment up ASAP. Instead, I reached out to people in my life who I feel care about me. People who could always count on me no matter how long it’s been.
I have some real high quality people in my life and I’m grateful for them. I felt better afterwards, not fully good, but much better that I let the appointment sit at it’s scheduled time.
I do get flashes of the fling followed by a pang of sadness in the heart. I’d feel addicted if it wasn’t such a pain in the ass to start the engine up again. It’s like an old truck left in a garage for years, only started up on the occasion the bed is needed, you’re unsure if it’ll start but sure enough it’ll kick on if you keep trying.
I want to get back into exercising before I really kick off again. I’m also impressed by my success in the fling. I really just said fuck it, all hands on deck, anxiety out the door, and a little help from my friends propanol, gabapentin, and a beer in hand.
Don’t worry, I didn’t need a pharmaceutical cocktail after the second date.
She didn’t watch SpongeBob as a kid which is kind of a major L. She’s probably better off for it but I mean, come on…
So now what?
I live my life fully on my terms now. Freedom. Work is remote, so I am prone to a hermit lifestyle if I’m not vigilant.
Loneliness is going to be my next big problem to tackle. I want someone to be there. I want to turn around right now and see her there. Maybe not right now since it’s 11am as I’d prefer a fellow 9-5 worker, but really anything will do.
Game of the moment: Fallout 3
Song of the moment: As Long as You Tell Him – Faces
Activity of the moment: Paintball
Oh and one more thing, weed kinda sucks. I get anxiety attacks that grew uncontrollable when smoking, using a pen is a bit more controllable but if it’s too big of a hit it’s easily far worse, and edibles just last too long if I get stuck in an attack.
That’s all for updates.
Be well, stay fresh.
Blanc Thoughts 