Blanc Thoughts

I’ve been listening to them a lot.

Good music. Good attitude and messages in just about every song.

Right now my favorite is Debris. Before that it was Glad and Sorry and before that it was As Long as You Tell Him. It started off with Bad n Ruin because it’s used in Sopranos. The second one was Ooh La La.

One of my ex girlfriends had told me to let her know when I moved out so that she could send something of mine back to me.

I got an urge to ask for it. Despite having no use for it anymore. She was probably the first girl I ever really, really loved. Our two endings were the most painful times of my life since college ended.

What’s funny is that I thought I was over it pretty quickly. I re-entered therapy almost immediately after the second end and have been working on myself since then.

She was a lot of things. Beautiful, smart, funny, and very sweet. She was sharp and I felt that the point was turned on me several times. I grew exhausted in our second try, I could not keep up. Things were “unofficial” and I saw no point in operating without a label or affirmation of exclusivity.

I was so lost and each day I was losing control of myself. I had stopped taking medication and was driving myself insane. More accurately, driving myself into the ground mute and miserable.

I saw she was going out with someone else and I had to say goodbye. It was awful, but I felt awful. I knew what I had signed up for and now I was realizing I couldn’t do it. I wanted her back so bad but not this bad. This would’ve required swallowing a pill I avoided. Before that it was out of sight and out of mind.

So why would I want to talk to this person again? Did her crying and bargaining make an impact on me? Not in the moment, but it appears I’ve carried either the hope or guilt with me this far.

My honest take on the situation? I got fat and was no longer attractive. Maybe she didn’t want to lose sight of me in case I reversed course.

I haven’t gotten worse, but I haven’t gotten noticeably better either. Maybe now isn’t the time. Will there ever be a time?

What happens if a package shows up, no note, no in-person delivery, nothing. What am I hoping for? For the doorbell to ring and the love comes rushing back? Yeah. Unfortunately, that is exactly the dream. What’s to stop another break up from there? Nothing of course. It’s stupid. I said that she needed to come back for any of it to be real. Hasn’t happened.

Fuckin jeez man. I’m deluded. Funny thing is that my therapist asked if I had any urge to reach out to her, specifically her. I honestly had not. Now all of a sudden I’m thinking about it again? Wtf.

Actually, I did stop at the bike trail I used to pass going to her house in her town. I didn’t get up to it, but when I checked my location for how far I’d gone I noticed where I was.

Can’t you just say you miss somebody? Their smile and presence without the wanting of a return to how it was. I was assaulted with her smile by my photos app randomly a few weeks ago. Sucks man. I want to be in love again is all. I’m missing it in all forms.

How have you been old friend?

I’ve been there and back

And I know how far it is

But I left you on the debris

Now we both know you got no money

And I wonder what you would’ve done

Without me hanging around