This may very well be my least favorite month. March a close second and January a solid third. At least with January there’s downhill excitement from Christmas and a brief brightening hopes of a New Year.
February is simply a dead month. My poor mother’s birthday smack dab in the middle does bring a bit of cheerfulness. Two days after arguably the worst holiday of commercial invention, it provides a distraction from the lack of love in my own life.
Moonlight used to bathe the contours of your face…
Work has picked up and will only get busier from here until November. This is a good thing, as I’ve been feeling rather useless. November-January is just dead in this business and that’s all well and good to have a break but it makes those on the low rung nervous.
I’ve started a new venture for my health. Dieting and martial arts. Here on out I am a new man!
Not quite, but I will be working on it for serious now. I’ve been asleep too long. Being on my own again I have realized the control I have over my own will and am building the discipline to stay in control.
Morning comes and morning goes with no regret…the evening brings memories I can’t forget.
I feel so good when I leave the martial arts class, but boy oh boy am I out of shape. I’ll tell this story here from Monday’s class.
They took it easy on me my first week. The conditioning was lightened. I had to skip last week because I got sick and you definitely don’t want to be the guy sniffling and coughing in a tight gym like that.
The conditioning is about 20-25 minutes of straight up running, moving fast, then these fucked up drills down the floor like falling into your back, bear crawl push-ups, this weird stretch thing, rolling forwards and backwards,
I mean it’s a fat fuck who is just trying to blend in’s nightmare. I was absolutely gassing out on the bear crawls like Patrick from SpongeBob begging for water in Sandy’s dome. I actually couldn’t do a fucking full push up.
Then, when it’s all fuckin over we gotta go find a partner (who wants to work with the noob??). By the grace of god and human kindness this fella named Jeff just kinda grabs me and we’re working together now. I can’t even speak I’m so out of breath.
I felt like the walking dead while doing these hand fighting drills, I kept apologizing and shit and he just kept saying don’t worry about it. After the halfway point I gathered my second wind and was able to finish the class ok, but god damn that first half was fucking brutal.
The part I almost omitted was how I damn near convinced myself to quit right then and there. I was transported back to wrestling as a high schooler. Forced into it by my parents, I did not want to be there and the practices are equivalent to torture. Dead of winter working in 85 degree heat for nearly 3 hours. Nobody worked harder than the wrestling team that’s for sure. Funnily enough, I learned to love the practices but never could get over my dislike of actual matches and competitions. I’m a striker and a boxer, not a grappler by any means. BUT, to be a fighter is to have a grasp of everything.
It’s good though, I need this. I need to be doubted, I need to be “the fat guy working on himself”, “look at him, he just needs a breather”. Who I don’t need to be is “the quitter”, “the guy who slipped out cause it was too hard”.
People respect the fighters and the underdogs. I’m not in there fighting to be respected by anyone but myself. However, it is a reality that others will have opinions of you and a fact that you’ll need to find at least one partner every class.
Eventually, these won’t be my problems. My problems will be escaping kimuras and practicing sprawls and reversals.
But for now, cardio is the problem. It’s only twice a week and that’s not enough for me to improve. I’m sure tonight will be hard, but in no way will it be harder than yesterday. Over the weekend I’ll have to run and walk to get some more exercise in so Monday doesn’t hit me like a freight train again.
Your boy is doing okay. I believe in myself again. I’m being a better friend to myself and being calculated in my day to days.
I have a calendar to track my comings and going’s and plans. I’m going the distance with this one (another great analogy for how I looked Monday night is like when Rocky was getting his shit rocked by Drago, absolutely nothing but survival instincts and inner strength kicking in).
Hold up, rewind the tape, can I get a fucking hoorah for not walking out of there? For digging deep and chugging it out like a boss. I’m sure a difficult equivalent is a full speed spin class for an hour, or a CrossFit session or something like that.
I just can’t wait for the spring, I’ll be more mobile and strong in my cardio health (oh yeah, I quit the vape! Not nicotine, but the lung damaging kind yes. Now I’m on that zyn train). Paintball will be easier and probably more fun.
There’s a lot to look forward to.
I am dealing with some significant source of negativity though, and really struggling with it but it is ancillary to everything else positive going on in my life.
C’est la vie. I’ll be good. You be good.
– DII
Blanc Thoughts 