Today, we’re going to be ignoring the fact that it’s Valentine’s Day. I woke up this morning, got on my laptop, and got two messages from coworkers saying “Happy Valentine’s Day”. Jerks.
Just kidding – but it is common knowledge that this is the worst day to be single if what you want is to be not single. I can’t say I want it that bad since I’m really resistant to making a solid effort, but that’s more of a right now thing. Long term goal is to not be single.
Anyways, I started Brazilian Jiu jitsu a few weeks ago. I did karate when I was younger and wrestling too so it’s not an alien concept to me, but it has been almost 9 years since I did either sport.
I was very gung-ho about going to the first class, like strangely so. Lucky for my fatass, they skipped the typical warmup. Probably to not scare me off on my first days.
The first class of last week was fucking brutal. Actually so bad that I nearly passed out after the warm up. At the 30 minute mark I was having all kinds of quitter thoughts.
Fuck it, just walk out. No one will notice and if they do who cares.
What were you thinking? You feel that? Your hearts about to burst GET OUT OF THERE!!
Then the indomitable human spirit took over.
Come on dude, you’re halfway through. The hard part is over. If you walk out now you’ll never forgive yourself. Just slow the pace and make it through, you can do it.
I made it through the next 30 minutes and survived, walking out of there I was on a runners high. I was transported back to the old wrestling practice site, walking outside in shorts and a tshirt into the freezing cold, steam buzzing off my entire body, feeling so light and hollow.
I worked with a blue belt named Jeff, who would not let me apologize for being out of breath and kept giving me kind words of encouragement.
Come the second class of the week, I was ready and powered through it again. I felt nerves beforehand though, like really bad. I started to talk myself into it to get my mind in the right place and put on the Rocky vs. Drago clip. Rocky keeps going down and popping back up. The whole message of the film is to never give up. We use to watch it in karate for motivation. Apollo Creed telling us THERE IS NO TOMORROW! May he rest in peace.
I was listening to these motivational clips, listening to metal, and really trying to get in the zone. Nothing can shake the feeling of nerves in my chest. The feeling of fight or flight coming on, waiting in the wings for the spotlight, leaving you anxious for the moment and ready to get it over with either standing up or falling down.
I just wish I had no nerves at all. It comes with time and repetition but I ain’t got all that time to wait. I need the nerves gone now before they freeze me up.
I started to talk to myself and brought on tears when I thought about Jeff. I think the teacher assigns blue belts to the white belts and Jeff got me that day. I was wondering what he thought looking at me.
Here’s this big guy, this young kid. Look at him, he brought himself in here. He’s struggling to keep the gi on right cause he’s working hard to move his body. He needs a sec to breathe, let me give it to him and come back when he’s ready.
The way he treated me with respect and kindness is what got to me. It’s been difficult for me to start and I’m just grateful to have been blessed with someone like him as a partner on my most difficult day.
My nerves are easing a bit as I get this down on paper. Monday’s class this week went much better and I’m excited to practice my single leg and bottom escapes tonight. I’m gonna use my Valentine’s Day pain to get me through the class tonight.
From here it’s smooth sailing to another weekend.
Be good. Lord knows I’m trying.
Blanc Thoughts 