Blanc Thoughts

There’s a lot of good right now. The sun is brighter and out for longer. I can make it through the BJJ warmups without passing out. Spring is so near you can almost smell the budding leaves. Wednesday seems to come so quickly from Monday morning and Friday is just a blink away.

All this, and I’m feeling sad and hollow. I’m unmotivated and have an awful anxiety weighing on my chest. My room is not a total mess but it feels disorganized. I feel disorganized and scattered.

My wants are sprawling towards things I can’t yet have. And I think why? Why can’t I have it? My own house, a girl who loves and understands, friends that don’t take more than they give.

Now I’m here watching core videos, I want to switch over to hopecore and will soon. Soon after I finish writing out these emotions.

I got really worked up over a gen z reddit post. A series of posts about male loneliness just rocked me in its content and the responses. Absolutely callousness from “women” and “men” who just don’t care. Putting the blame onto the men for what they see as inaction and resistance to change of a patriarchal society.

I don’t see myself as inactive or resistant to a patriarchy. I know it’s not this. I know I am trying, trying to improve and to hang on to success. I’m overweight and I’m working on it, I succeeded before but I lost it in a haze of lacking control over my emotions and actions.

I was lonely so I started going to a bar regularly with my friend. We made friends with the bartender and doorman but our success waned from there.

I tried not to be deterred after having casual conversation with a girl who ultimately left. Avoiding the thought that she probably didn’t want to talk to this fat guy with a receding hairline so she cut her losses and left. Maybe my conversation sucked, I don’t know I was nervous even though my inhibitions were gone. It was hard to talk over the music anyways. I just let it go but the failure was still sad. I wasn’t hitting on her, just trying to open up conversation. This isn’t me angry that I got rejected or felt rejected. This isn’t incel rage. This is just a person who struggles with their happiness and in a moment of courage attempted a swing and went down like Casey. Now when that person is reflecting on it, they’re a little upset about it.

Comparatively, this one is worse. The next weekend I invited some friends out. They were cool and meshed well with my buddy. They left early but we were on the dance floor the whole time. Me and my friend were the last standing of the group, but before they left there were two pretty girls dancing behind us. The friend I invited tried encouraging me to talk/dance with them, but I couldn’t muster it. I just kept to myself, praying that if he was right that those girls would just say hello and be the ones to make it happen.

I was scared and I just couldn’t. You know why? She was too skinny and too pretty for me to feel like she was even looking at me. I honestly thought he was blowing smoke but a part of me saw truth in it. It wasn’t enough.

So they left, and I went to close my tab because I was done. I was hoping maybe they’d stop and talk to me at the bar but no, they just went straight out the door. I was okay. I felt like progress was being made actually, two weeks in a row I was close to girls and maybe if I kept it up one would see me and like me.

Then a girl walks up to me at the bar. She comments on my tattoo and we begin talking. She lived in NY but was home here visiting a guy friend. She trashed this guy to my face. Bragging about he was friend zoned and was paying for all the drinks. Why I even continued the conversation speaks to how drunk I was. However, the conversation wasn’t all that bad and I attempted to ask for her number and she actually laughed in my face and said no in a very soft but long and hard way. Noooo…

That stung and I regretted it instantly. Everything about it. Why I even asked this girl who bragged about friend zoning and leading a guy on. My pure desperation for attention was pathetic. I deserved the answer I got and even still, it just sucked the life out of me.

I kept up with my attempts and had a few matches on hinge. The one that panned out was a catfish and I felt guilty when I had to cancel the date over it. I was sick with anxiety due to how fast the talking moved and then realizing I was being baited hit me all at once and I threw up from the depths of my stomach. It took me 16 hours to get out and I was sick with adrenaline the whole time.

Anyways, I’m lonely and I’m stopping with trying to date for now. I need to lose some weight. I want to sleep all the time away until I’m sub 200 pounds. That’s a long time away, too long to sleep for.

I feel like I’m asleep already. Just going through the motions of life, not preparing for anything, just taking it as it comes winging everything in my life.

I still have hope but it is waning and I feel as though there’s a few more cycles until that hope is full again.

I hoped for some catharsis at the end of writing this but I haven’t found it yet. There’s more to say…

I feel like I’m performing for my friends to keep them entertained. I’m leading our dnd sessions and while I like it, I have put so much pressure on myself to make it fun for them. I rarely receive any feedback or thanks. It’s not a big deal but it would help with motivation if everyone just showed they cared a little bit about the work I put in. I even catch myself trying to fish for compliments and it makes me sick afterwards, worse so that I don’t even get them.

My roommate has shown his true colors to me in the level of disrespect he has for my individuality. I feel like I’m living with an enemy, a hater. It’s sucked so much energy from me I’m always trying to get alone time, or just time with my other friends alone.

Some of my older friends are all buying guns now and getting into that as a hobby. Me? I can’t buy a gun. I might kill myself with it. Sad, but true.

I put on hopecore. I have some work I need to get done now. I have a lot of work that needs to get done. Good luck. Be well.