Since graduating college life has been a series of all time highs and lows. The first year after college I never shut up about work and it took another year before I finally said it all and won’t speak on it again.
To quote Blink-182, “Work sucks,” “I know”.
Or Howard Stern, “I FUCKIN’ HATE work!”
Nobody wants to hear about it. It’s boring. When you’re fresh out of school and new to the job, it is exciting and you can’t help yourself. If you’re 24 and still jabbering on about it though, you’re going to start losing some friends.
Work is how you make your money to spend on things you need. When it becomes your life it will eat you from the inside out.
I will say, I often miss my high school/college job working at a deli for a few bucks over minimum wage. You work with exciting people of all ages, most with crazy life stories, and the work is almost secondary to the friendships and bonds you have with coworkers.
I don’t mind one of my friends who talks about work since he has a job like that. There’s always a story and I’ve met most of them at his parties so it gives extra color to the story.
I have started a relationship with a friend I’ve had since I was 16. She is incredibly attractive, fun, and smart. The timing had never been right for us, as the last time we were both single was only for a week period two years ago. We did briefly connect but I had my long-term relationship in the early works and I couldn’t make myself emotionally available to her.
Well we’ve lined up again, 2 years later, and I had a party last weekend that she attended. We got a little physical but mainly talked intimately and I have not stopped thinking about it since then. Strangely, I have ED, but I did not have it with her. I always suspected it was psychological and this confirmed it. I need to be comfortable before my thingy works and knowing her all this time, having that past experience with her, I think I just felt safe.
Of all the things, it was the constant twirling of each other’s fingers that I crave the most. It was so human and natural. As we spoke, we were moving and rubbing our hands together, intertwining them differently, pulling and pushing. Little things like that seem to make me the happiest.
It’s something I don’t want to rush and I’m glad it wasn’t rushed that night. It was sweet and soft like how things are supposed to be with your first. Mine was sort of like that, but it wasn’t totally true and was rushed by the other person. All I’ve been able to think about it is that it’s real and it feels like a first. Even though I’ve done this almost a dozen times now, it’s only happened like this twice before.
I’m trying to think of more sweet things to say but I really just want to be sitting outside on the porch couch with her again. Her legs draped over mine, talking about life and how we see ours flowing.
I had said a few months ago that I wished so badly I had gotten with someone from town. Someone who knew me before my degree and my job. The prospect of just meeting someone who loves you for you in this world of ever increasing intimate difficulty is just not promising enough. I wasn’t raised dead broke but we weren’t silver spoon. My parents had to work hard and I always knew this – and I knew that’s how life would be for me too. I need a girl who grew up like that too, or at least understands work is a part of life/the power of dual income. That’s not too hard to find, but those are the good girls and they will get matched up with a good guy early. What will be left in the dating pool are the reject gold diggers and lazy people.
The idea that some girl could see me as an “easy ride” and that I could fund a family while she stayed at home is mortifying. I may not even see that intention coming until it’s too late – post marriage. You don’t know this person, you just met them randomly at 29 or 32 years old.
That is 1950s expectations except I’d have to deal with modern pop-feminism that strives to make men’s life more difficult. I’m not talking real feminism, pop-feminism that is made up of quotes and new slogans for how women should treat men.
It’s an intimidating prospect and as guy who might lose his hair by 30, 5’9” and overweight, I’m going to be fighting an uphill battle with dating for a long time before I find a girl who’s good.
I always ask though, why was I born handsome instead of rich? So at least I got that going for me.
I haven’t started going to mass again, hell no.
During the end of my college tenure, I did back up from atheism into agnosticism. Acknowledging that I can’t possibly know there isn’t a God or higher power. Credit to my logic class and the idea of known knowns, known unknowns, unknown knowns, and unknown unknowns.
Unknown unknowns leaves room for humility. We don’t know what we don’t know.
There’s been enough coincidences in my life where I do wonder about things. Theres been signs. Theres possibly been a visit from the afterlife by my papa.
At the very least, there has to be something bigger than us. Even if that’s just simply thought of as the universe. The cycle of life: life, death, rebirth. Rebirth in the sense that I will turn to ash and dust and my matter will not be destroyed, but will become part of something else. This idea I got tattooed on my arm in the form of a Celtic trinity knot.
I believe in the value of the story of Jesus. Did he live? I think so. Was he resurrected? That I do not know, but it’s a great story. I prefer the Scorsese “The Last Temptation of Christ” as an alternate interpretation to the story. Seeing it through a different lens gives more power to the story. No matter what you believe, we should strive to act like Jesus and I don’t care what the church says about me for believing that. I think it can be distilled simply to that and I can go through life morally that way.
I could drone on about it, but I simply just prefer to think this way now.
I drafted all this up a few days ago. I sit here now starting my short work week with two major tasks that I am ready to accomplish. It’s going to be difficult and challenging but this is what I wait all year for.
These are the projects where you cut your teeth at a company and show your worth. This will no doubt result in a reward at the end of the year.
I’ve continued to see my friend romantically and I have never had such a beautiful start save for one other time that was kinda doomed from the start. It’s usually been difficult.
Your prettiest girlfriends will almost always come fresh out of another relationship. Their composure with the break up will majorly determine the success of the relationship.
I’m seasoned in this now and know what I’m doing. God, I’m so grateful I’ve grown so much in the last four years that I feel I can really properly court this girl and take care of her.
She’s one of the best friends I’ve had for almost 10 years now. On and off, we’ve always picked right back up with each other throughout our relationships with other people.
I don’t plan on fucking it up. I’m too old to fuck anything up anymore. This will be it. I want it.
In a different corner of my life, the darkness is rising and the nightmare is coming to an end.
Once more unto the breach…once more.
Blanc Thoughts 