I was pretty down when I made my last two posts. Going into Monday I was fighting off hopelessness. I didn’t exercise on Sunday and that night I had a tightness in my chest, as if there was a little ball on my sternum spinning itself, pulling strands of muscles from my chest, sides, and abdomen, into itself and forming a bigger, knotted hold over my center.
I realized what was happening after a few moments. I was playing a competitive video game, and snapping in anger far more than is usual. I typically am laid back in my reactions but this felt like I was restraining myself from a big explosion.
I don’t know how to address and accept the failures of these last three interview processes. It seems the only way is for more time to pass from them and for new hopes to arise.
I received a call from a recruiter on Monday over a job, a contract to be specific, that is within my wheelhouse. The recruiter was a kid around my age, so the conversation was pretty easy. I haven’t heard back since this morning when he asked me to change my LinkedIn to match what was on my resume.
Over the weekend, I decided to act on something I had realized in the last few weeks after seeing a job posting that I had applied and been rejected from twice.
The older brother of my best friend, whose family I am very close with, mentioned in passing that his father-in-law worked at a certain company for a while and might still work there.
I had searched the company the next day and realized it had been acquired by the company whose job I had applied to twice.
I texted my buddy asking if he knew what the father-in-law did for work, my buddy’s older brother text me with a whole bunch of info and gave me his father-in-law’s email to send my resume to. It turns out, the father-in-law does nearly exactly what I do and has been doing it for over 30 years. He not only still works for the company, but offered to present my resume to the woman who runs the IT department.
I just heard back from the father-in-law that the job is still open and the woman took my resume and scanned it to her boss.
There isn’t a loss of pride in reaching out to your “network” as they call it in business school. Really, what a network is — a good network — your friends and acquaintances. Friends will go out on greater limbs for you such as mine did. I have found that with acquaintances, it has to be a smaller limb.
On the subject, the amount of people aware of my situation is fairly large, and I have noted that it is quite funny how these people react or not-act in your support. I have heard from them less and less as the flood rises. I suppose my situation is like gawking at a car wreck. I know that most of them really can’t help me, and have offered help where they could, and out of respect for my pride they are avoiding contact.
Keeping with the rhythm I have been listening to the song It Never Rains in Southern California by Albert Hammond. I love this type of cheery music contrasted with depressing or defeated lyrics.
The verse that relates to all this:
“Will you tell the folks back home I nearly made it?
Had offers but don’t know which one to take
Please don’t tell ’em how you found me
Don’t tell ’em how you found me
Gimme a break, give me a break”
In other developments, I heard back from a job I applied to this morning and have an interview on Friday.
I also received a pre-interview questionnaire for a job I applied to so long ago that I barely remembered it.
So, I’m still up and alive…I woke up today with more intention because I decided to work out yesterday. It was hard, since it had been a few days since I last exercised, but I felt good and tired afterwards.
I won’t lie to you though. I have been having invasive, suicidal thoughts lately. I usually struggle around my birthday — June 19th — With all this extra shit going on it makes it that much harder. Through therapy I’ve developed mechanisms and new “neural pathways” to get myself out of these ditches quicker.
Music can help, exercise is the best, and trying to remain positive is essential. I write down my thoughts here and try to keep them as honest as possible.
It doesn’t serve me and it wouldn’t serve anyone else to lie in these blogs.
Another song I’ve been listening to a lot and really love the musical arrangement of is Atlantic City by The Band, originally by Bruce Springsteen. I loved the Springsteen version right away when I first heard it, but The Band does a much better job I think. A great song about going down on your luck. The Band uses a whole bunch of awesome, bluegrassy/folksy instruments to bring the song to a totally different light than in Springsteen’s.
Stay up with me. Live to die another day. The road can’t and won’t end here.
Blanc Thoughts 