Five years ago I began the most significant relationship with another person that I may ever have.
It was short lived – probably lasting a year and a half as an actual relationship and 2 years knowing one another.
I’m still unsure about the ending of it, but that’s not really what I want to talk about.
That relationship defined the end of the high school and college era for me. For some people those are two distinct eras, but because I went to a local college and worked at the same job from high school – they blend and blur at the points of change.
Yesterday, we had our annual 4th of July party. I was sitting inside with a sort of blank mind, really having no positive excitement or negative anxieties. The muffled music being played outside suddenly caught my attention, and I very quickly rose from my feet to discover what song was playing. I listened and listened through the wall but couldn’t recognize the rhythm or even identify a single lyric.
Something in the beat, maybe even just the vibrations, triggered this familiar sensation that sent me back 5 years to that summer of 2020.
I don’t allow myself to go back there often. The memories were painful for a long time. Following my most recent break up, I have felt regret in letting my memory of that time slip so much.
It was the happiest period of my life by leagues. Only the year to 2 years following the end of that relationship reached similar peaks.
Now, here I am. 26. No (real) job. Depressed (within reason). Lonely (but not alone).
Things will change once I finally get back into my career. I will be itching to escape all the feelings of this fatal situation and a new era will rush in.
I am suffering from the consequences of my actions at this moment. I will later in life romanticize this period as “character building” from when I “stood my ground” and powered through these tough days.
As I bear the rejections and the overall anxiety, I find solace in that romance from 5 years ago.
If I died this week. I would be so glad to have had that time and in my final moments would take myself there. To the rocks along the canal at the Cape house. To the new experiences we sought to give one another. To the many laughs and all the music.
If I could capture it all properly it would be a great movie. One with an exciting build to a wonderful peak, and then a sharp to slow fall ending in sadness.
It all happened as it was supposed to. We had different paths and goals. We intersected for as long as we could, but the road diverged once more and that was once more too many for the free spirit.
Don’t mistake me – I’m not saying that I’ve given up on finding that magic again. Just, if I don’t, or if I can’t, I can appreciate the time that I did.
So I guess part of this shitty chapter is about taking stock. I have yet to allow myself to take pride in ending the relationship from this past year. Since it coincides with the implosion of my psyche and I have yet to replace the foundational stones; I won’t be able to fully reflect on it until I’m gainfully employed.
I know what I did was right though. The “security” I would’ve wished for 5 years ago, is bullshit. Ironically, that “security” comes at the cost of the other person’s total insecurity. I was being fit into a mold that I couldn’t fill without chipping away at core parts of my identity. It just couldn’t happen. You can’t fake life.
Anyways, I’m still looking for a job. I have an interview on Wednesday. I’m praying to God I hear back from at least one of the hiring managers I met with two weeks ago. They felt too good to be true and at this point, I’ve been cut by this process so many times I don’t have much room left to feel.
It just feels empty and dead. I’ll probably just lay down again after this. Obsessively refreshing my inbox while hoping for news whether it’s good or bad. It’s better than the waiting.
Pray for my soul. I need anything I can get.
Blanc Thoughts 