Blanc Thoughts

I didn’t think I’d have anything further to write about before the true end of the year.

I’ll talk about the fun stuff first. I upgraded my PC to a 9070xt GPU which compliments my 7800x3d CPU much better than the 6750xt I had. I’ll sauce my 6750xt to my buddy who’s rocking a 10 year-old GPU for a couple hundo.

I got a new monitor as well and games have been looking pretty nice. I can’t wait to restart KCD2 on hardcore mode once some more time has passed and I’ve forgotten the map.

Now to the bad stuff…which seems to be a frequent motivation for me to write here.

Last NYE, I was in a relationship and was unable to go to any NYE parties because she was sick…she said I could go but it was obviously a trap. For one thing, she was at my apartment and wouldn’t be leaving to go home if I left. It didn’t feel ok to me to leave someone I was only dating for 5 months at my apartment alone.

So, I missed out on a fun Y2K themed party. I remember being unable to play video games too, because she was there. Despite being sick and falling asleep every three minutes, she required my physical presence in the bed — as the 5 feet distance to my computer chair was too much.

Now, single, a full year later I am heading to the same party but with a drastically different and hyper-specific theme. It’s based on a short-lived TV show from the early 2000s. I am beyond annoyed by the theme for infinity reasons. It’s stupid.

My friend is “dating”, something or other, this wild-horse of a man. Untamable and rather cool this fella is. I like him a lot — except he’s not my friend — and he’s destroying her heart.

She’s a super attractive girl, a good catch and all that. I don’t ask questions for fear of being seen as intruding, but others have, and we’ve all witnessed multiple spectacles characteristic of a dysfunctional relationship/situationship. Most recently was a scene at a birthday party. He was talking to some other girl, went outside to smoke cigarettes with her. My friend went around slamming doors and causing a rowdy scene at an otherwise calm gathering. She ended up outside in the freezing cold an entire street away while myself and two others waited outside for her to return.

People forced the issue on her and she pushed back pretty hard. I told her “we make our own choices in this life”. I am an individualist. If someone wants to be in a painful relationship that is their business.

I do understand that when you complain to someone about the same thing over and over, it is reasonable to try and make them see the reality of their situation.

Some of my other friends tried to do that, but 2 of the 3 have significant ulterior motives that are easy to spot. 1 is a spiteful, man-hating bisexual woman, who does not like the guy’s Texas attitude and seemingly Republican veneer. The other is a bisexual(?) man who is angling for her affection and has been for years.

I won’t give unprompted advice and neither will the 3rd, unmentioned individual, but I know the both of us would say similar things.

The point of mentioning all this — she won’t invite any single girls to the party. This guy cannot be trusted. That is a speculation, but an evidence driven assumption based on patterns of behavior. Her last party, a single girl was there and just like the birthday party, they disappeared several times — right under my friends nose!

So for me, I’ll be surrounded by people in relationships and friends. The playlist has been chocked full of garbage music. Entire albums from britney spears, lady gaga – who all have hits don’t get me wrong here. But entire albums? That is wrong…

Suffice it to say, I won’t be kissing anyone on NYE this year.

I am trying to right my mind though. Rather than dreading the event, I should be grateful that I have somewhere to go. That I’ll be surrounded by friends.

I’m not going outside of my bubble at all, which makes this feel like a net loss. As someone with pretty severe social anxiety, any lack of steps forward is effectively 2 steps back. The farther I get from social events outside of my comfort zone, the harder it is for me to return to them.

That is why, I’ve kicked up an effort to rouse my two nearby college friends into a bowling and/or dodgeball league. I need to be doing something at the start of the New Year. I cannot fuck around in 2026.

I am losing weight, feeling better, trying to regrow my hair (but rocking a buzzcut for now), and need to make some social progress.

I have a great new job with good people. I need to capitalize on my remaining 20s. I turn 27 in June…what the fuck.