I feel empty today.
I don’t like when this happens, its like the other team is running the score up and I’ve got a big egg up on the board.
I feel like I’m waiting for a respawn and the timer keeps resetting and I stopped trying to get back in.
Calling in a loss for the day, we’ll get them tomorrow.
I’m going to have to take some time to reset myself tonight and try to gain some positive momentum.
Tomorrow – and the rest of the week – will be extra hard if I don’t start off on the right foot.
My mood takes nosedives out of *seemingly* nowhere. Usually there is a driving force I’m blind to that is causing it.
The main suspect is my therapy appointment tomorrow. It’s a new therapist and my first time going in two months.
I’ve been doing *relatively* fine without it, but I think it’s important that I stay with it.
Maybe I think that I have to be depressed to be allowed in there? I can’t just go in for a quick oil change and hop back on the road.
There’s a weird guilt I feel going to therapy. Like I shouldn’t be there. There are people who deal with worse that don’t go to therapy.
Maybe I feel less of myself because I go? Is that part of the stigma?
I fall for the stigma because I believe that everyone is silently suffering and nobody speaks about it because they are afraid.
Only the “whinebags” and “lazy-fucks” need therapy. What makes you so fuckin’ special?
Some of us struggle with understanding and unpacking our feelings.
WOAH! Quick digression!
I was in the middle of an MBTI fact check about Fi in INFJs, when I stumbled across an article that references the book I have been reading the past few weeks, Crime and Punishment ,by Fyodor Dostoevsky.
To quickly sum up the book, the main character is a disturbed ex-student who ends up committing murder…That’s as far as I got, so that’s as far as we’re going to get…
Scary enough, I relate to the guy. Dostoevsky and the character are typed as INFJs in the article.
From the article (link above) “Fi in INFJs”, by Blake from Stellar Maze:
“It is typical of INFJs to descend into this function when they have been locked in introversion too long via their NiTi loop.”
“INFJs because many of them show little to no Fe in their expression. This doesn’t mean they shouldn’t, as this function is the one that would allow them to drain the poisonous Fi that collects in their psyche…”
“The auxiliary function (Fe) is often bypassed in favor of the tertiary function, which is introverted thinking… This leads to a double introversion for the INFJ, a locking into a fixed attitude in which the two introverted functions cycle back and forth between each other…
This cycle leads to an eventual fall into the introverted feeling function…It is like burning through everything and just ending up in a place of absolute meaninglessness. When an INFJ ends up here they are likely to be almost catatonic and completely horrified by all existence.
This is what happens when they introvert too much and can’t get out of it. They go deeper and deeper until they reach a place where they literally can’t exist.
This is the source of INFJ torture, where they make their own hell for themselves because they haven’t been good enough in some way.“
Are these loops…my depression? Because it really sounds like it…
Do mental health issues come from our 4 opposing functions?
I think mine do.
We are not automatically equipped to deal with our personalities.
Critical Parent Fi, manifests itself in depression. I can see it in myself, and the subjects of my depression match with my use of Fi.
I wrote another post about an ISTJ boss, who has Ti as a critical parent.
ISTJs Primary/Tertiary loop is Si-Te, this quote is from “Practical Typing”
“ISTJs will probably have no issues ignoring a process learned in the past if that process was inefficient…Te will provoke them to research and find a better way…since ISTJ’s lead with Si rather than Te, their Te will primarily be focused on maintaining their own security and the security of those closest to them (Fi);
“The desire for efficiency may be shelved when it threatens their Si’s main drive. Therefore, risk-taking will be avoided, or evaluated with great care.”
The article continues with a nod towards a Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
“If you’re reading this article as a potential ISTJ, you might not think you’re very organized as a result of Fi standards and self-criticism. If so, ignore your personal opinion and ask someone close to you or compare yourself to those you live with or have lived with.) It is also not uncommon for an auxiliary Te user to have some OCD-like tendencies.”
Do any ISTJs struggle with OCD like tendencies? Do the ones who have suffered in their lives resort to this as a lifestyle? Do people get stuck in their loops and that is why medicine sometimes works, do you have to want to escape the loop to escape the mental illness?
Why aren’t we asking these questions? MBTI is a simple system that organizes brilliant observations on human behavior into 16 archetypes.
This is not your weekly horoscope.
It’s meant to be your guide, an instruction manual for human behavior if you will. A compass to center yourself by to lead your fullest life.
Should we be using drugs to medicate our people? Is it really just a “chemical imbalance”, not enough dopamine your body just ain’t doing the job for you. I think drugs can help – there’s no denying that they can work for some people.
Is it the solution? What’s the difference between taking anti-depressants everyday and getting high of any number of other drugs? Drugs like nicotine, marijuana, booze, cocaine, all the others (listed in order of vice-ness).
I think by a basic learning of MBTI: taking a test (starting point), reading your type, determine accuracy (repeat if necessary), learning your primary functions and shadow functions, and finally understanding and recognizing your weaknesses.
I would recommend learning about all types, but I believe a thorough understanding of the functions and how they interact suffices.
You suddenly begin to put names to all of your behavioral patterns, what function you’re using, which function you go to when you’re bored, your childhood weakness/the bane of your young existence.
I’d like to drum up conversation on first hand-accounts of people’s loops. I think I will reach out to Qoura, Reddit, and any other MBTI friendly message board you tell me of.
I seriously appreciate you reading this, a, “Quick digression”, took an deep dive from a shallow, empty depression post to a first hand account on INFJs and a second hand analysis on ISTJs.
I’m including some awesome links below, I read all of these while gathering info for this post.
I hope to provide a follow-up with an analysis on answers I get on Qoura/Reddit.
Here’s the video that set off this workstream:
Forgive me that it’s Louis C.K., but this is a great tear down of my generation – I loved it.