Before we get into this story, I wrote it two or three weeks ago quickly after the incident in question happened. Entirely unrelated, I was searching through my Notes app looking for work notes, I saw the first few sentences of this story and didn’t recognize it.
Someone else wrote this and put it on my phone.
Wait, I definitely wrote this…but…When?!? Anyway –
I think it runs nicely as a story. The language can be…troubling to some. Allow me to explain why my “mind voice”, for lack of a better term, is so rude and cutting. I grew up in a swearing, generational traum’d, mentally ill household with an angry person in charge. This person made everyone else angry, but didn’t allow them to be angry without retaliation. I was criticized, teased, and physically and mentally bullied by this person. My mind voice is ultra critical and mean, but I can make it work and this is what I’d like to show you in this below story. I spewed this out following the incident. My parents said they’d get a ride the rest of the way and to just take us home.
They give no apologies, no addressing the situation, just deal with it in yourself, D.
I’ve edited it a bit for clarity and to fix some of the mistakes made – like I said, I don’t even remember writing this.
I’m back to thinking critically about my thoughts and anxieties thanks to a nice and loving therapist. It helps to have a therapist that can penetrate my anxieties and force me to logically deconstruct them. If I “relapse” in anxiety, a.k.a. ‘stopping treatment’, these thoughts can go on forever.
Guys, I don’t “love” my therapist. Her tone is calm and loving, of which I never really had.
Favor for parents, I have no plans, drive to liquor store then to their party. Easy enough, will get myself some beers. Short ride, no need to stress, right?
Driving through a local intersection with green light, speeding bmw looks about to blow the light, my car is obstructed from its view, come to stop, light beep, psychopath BMW tailgates and follows through entire parking lot, just to beep as I pulled into a spot. This all happened in about 60 seconds.
The slow ride to the spot through the lot sounds of yelling, cluelessness, and bad advice and directions. I feel like I could lose control of the vehicle, I feel myself running someone over, I feel everything freezing and tensing, black rings around my vision as my sight fades just patterns of light and color painted over darkness and illuminated by the headlights.
I pull in and breathe, I might die here, I might be killed by this person, I might be killed by my own actions, I beeped, I offended him and now it’s my fault. It’s my fault to the passengers and it’s my fault to traffic. I should’ve just let him speed through the red light. I should’ve just driven that fucking car straight into his driver side door so that the frame crushes and traps him into his expensive blue metal tomb. I should’ve been paying less attention and crashed.
That’s how the world will throw you around and beat you into confusion. Where is my will? Where is my foundation of character. Am I so spineless? No, I am shrouded in doubt. My own and the harmful doubt cast upon me by others. Doubt of everything is strategic. It’s the skeptics way. But to doubt another person in everything they do, when you are the only one to have that privilege is the ultimate betrayal of another’s psyche.
Doubt their accomplishments, doubt their own doubts, make them so confused that down is up and up is down. I want to die sometimes yes. Not all the time, sometimes I am happy to experience the fleeting joys. God I’m so full of self pity and wallow. Fucking pathetic. Who would read this and think it’s good? You think it hasn’t been said before? By better people? By worse people? It’s unoriginal – is that how you’d like to die? Unoriginal as another. Original is carving your way. Maybe I’ll be original.
So there it is, my big story. Everyone, this is my brain.
I’m doing just fine for now. Sometimes this condition flares up very hard when prompted, like in the above story. With treatment, I will be okay. If you relate, please share your thoughts below. I recently read about a philosopher, Kierkegaard, so I feel powered to say this.
God save us all