Thoughts

I understand.

I’m sorry you are lost.

I too, am lost.

It is a terrible and lonely way.

I too, cannot commit.

However,

I have found you to be wonderful.

I felt, alive with you.

They say it is bad to say your only light in life is your love.

I stand, in defiance, then what is this all for?

Are we not all truly looking for love? How do you persist in this world through loneliness? The painful cloaking of the soul that begs and nips at you to suffer, just for a little longer.

I say you cannot.

You cannot persist through pain inflicted upon yourself. You cannot steam through life to the happy days even if you try your hardest. You will destroy yourself. Your humanity. Your love.

Though I say all this, because of love. Nothing brings out the pen like a letter you weren’t expecting.

I do not know where myself has gone. I do not really know that person. I’ve not had a person that I can slip the restraints off for a moment, to feel my true self, my true soul, and the bones that made me.

I am pained. I find myself frequently despising my existence. I make little effort to hide my idiosyncrasies. Beat-up sneakers. Unkempt appearance.

There is no love for myself. I crave excitement and the momentary thrill. It’s disillusionment. This world is not what I expected it to be. It is awful, and full of pain, inequality, frustration. I made it to the end of the kiddie ride. Though I’d been able to see the end for miles already.

I’m going back to therapy. I can no longer be alone with my problems. I need a wind-up. Like a wind-up toy. A little yellow bunny that dances and bangs the drums so long as he’s wound up.

I cannot do any of the things you had listed at a given moment. I try not to think that the world is going to end soon. Though it feels uncomfortably close.

I’d like to see you again.

In so many words, honest and true,

DB