Not doing well, folks…

Hi to anyone who reads this.

I am struggling with what has been the worst of anxiety that I have ever experienced.

I had a scary panic attack while stuck in traffic where I thought I was going to die in front of my friends while an ambulance attempted to rescue me.

Every muscle and bone felt ill and weak. I had crunched up in my seat and tilted my head onto the window because the cold made me feel slightly better. I thought my heart and chest were going to burst and I’d die. Fortunately, I was able to drink some seltzer water and eat some crackers until I felt normal again. The love and care from my friends in the moment when I finally spoke up was the most relieving part of it all.

Since then, I’ve had a few more but none to the degree where I thought my body was going to kill me. The anxiety attacks have also picked up and are distinctly different from a panic attack.

Anxiety attacks the mind and the heart, leading me to a rapid heart beat and racing mind. Laying down in the dark with zero stimulation seems to do the trick, but isn’t always accessible.

Panic attacks have felt like certain death is about to arise from within. Everything feels sickening and my mind is set on surviving the torture my body is going through.

I feel like I’m being stretched into a lot of places and a lot of people. I live at home and share my bedroom and I think that combination is taking the largest toll on my health. I have no privacy and nothing is exempt from criticism in my household.

My fragile self-esteem is constantly at risk of insults, degradation, and criticism. I’ve never taken my parent’s brand of criticism well.

I feel ungrateful, pitiful, and guilty.

It’s a cycle of internal emotional and mental abuse that exists in my head.

I had a grip, albeit a weak one, on my depression and anxiety when I lived at school. For the majority of my time there I only had to look after myself and my grades. The future sure did hang over my head like, “I need to find a job when I graduate”, “if I can’t socialize and party now at college, how will I ever do it?”, “if I don’t date and learn what I like in college, when am I going to have time for it?”.

I feel behind my peers in a lot of categories. I don’t understand dating and never have. I like most the idea of meeting a friend of a friend and hitting it off. But that’s rare and I don’t want to bug my friends or cause trouble in their lives. And, my social anxiety pounds my brain before any social event telling me to flake.

I don’t want to be seen as a flake so I rarely do it. But am I ignoring a signal from my body to relax?

It’s like this – I think, then I think too hard.

I dream, then I dream too long.

I speak, then I wish I didn’t.

I go, then wish I stayed.

I think too hard, so then I think some more.

I dream too long, so I let them go.

I speak too much, and it’s never enough.

I stay, and wish I went. (Though FOMO is something I managed to somewhat conquer)

I honestly feel like this illness makes me a terrible and lesser person. I am inclined to be negative and my brain rewards that in its own fucked up way. I was told I have the addict trait (paraphrasing) by my psychiatrist.

Oh poor me, poor me. There are people with conditions that affect their life in severe ways. My condition is made worse by me and me only. It’s a product of me not being a fully put together person.

It just takes one look at me and my life for someone to say, “Why’s this kid depressed? He has everything.”

They are totally right and I never have a response for this comment. I have no reason, so I will apologize profusely for anything and everything. I’m stuck in this rut, alone, with my own self-inflicted wounds.

I’d kill myself if I didn’t think it would fuck up everyone surrounding me. I don’t know how anyone thinks of me and to cause someone who may have been using me as a beacon of light to suffer is the only thing worse than the life I lead.

I found out someone is still holding an intense grudge with me. Hate and hexes on me were thrown at a mutual who is completely innocent to the mistake I made.

The world around us is collapsing. The fake global peace the world enjoyed since the dissolution of the Soviet Union is gone. A Supreme Court case that has no business being touched, is about to be summarily executed in the highest legal court in the US.

It’s not really collapsing, but it’s incredibly disheartening to those who desire global social progress.

I guess my hope with writing this was that I’d feel better. I sorta do, but like the counselor says “progress, not perfection”.

I have to keep my stress down, but that is stressful in itself. I’m behind on everything and nothing seems to be self-sustaining except my degenerative habits. It’s like I have a death wish so strongly buried in my unconscious that my waking mind can’t fully fathom.

I don’t know. Thanks for letting me ramble. You’re a good sport.