Early Start

Got into the office just before 8 today. Honestly not a bad vibe. I’ll dip out of here around 4 if I can escape the holiday party madness.

I’m only staying for the possibility of getting a nice little gifty from the overlords.

In other news, I no longer feel dead inside. It lasted the whole weekend and into Monday. Tuesday, I had a different attitude towards the whole day. I’m tired of feeling shitty and tired of myself. I’ve been in bad habits for a while and need to stop making excuses. I figure, when you’re so tired of yourself there’s really only three options. Die, remain the same, or change. Dying, while I have moments of suicidal thoughts, is where my “feeling dead” brain takes me.

I can’t just die, that’s not fair to people. I’m too afraid anyways. While it is a troubling thought, it’s never seriously been on the table.

I can’t stay the same either. That’s what I’ve been doing and it hasn’t worked. Whether it’s the truth or not, from my perspective I’ve driven someone away by staying the same.

The feeling of losing a person is awful. Especially with love wrapped up in the whole thing. In my case, there was justification for leaving the situation. I think my newfound motivation for change comes from this justified feeling.

I started back at the gym last night. I cannot slip up this time. I won’t accept it from myself.

There’s many other things that I need to do. I’m trying to be easy on myself but I tend to fall into black and white, on or off, behaviors. Either it’s happening or it isn’t.

I’m working on it all over again. I’m sick, I’m hurting, but I’m not dead yet. I’m not past the point of recovery either. I’ve rock bottomed this past week. Change needs to come along this winter and I have to drive it.

Maybe I’ll write more on here to fill some time. I have to stay at 0, neutral, balanced, healthy. Live in the gray but have boundaries. I’ll be alright. Hope you’re all doing okay.

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