The week has caught up to me. I think the sadness and sudden changes weakened my immune system.
I’m taking the day to rest and recover, hopefully I’ll be better tomorrow. I don’t want to be sick all weekend but I suppose it’s up in the air now.
I went to the holiday festivities yesterday. When I planned my teammates bridal shower over the summer, I wished I knew exactly who was coming and who wasn’t. It would’ve made planning easier.
I could tell the 3 women who put it on were slightly annoyed at some coworkers who accepted the invite and didn’t show. Glad I went and hopefully made them feel good by participating. I enjoyed making a gingerbread house and talking to coworkers at the happy hour afterwards.
There was another holiday thing today but there’s no way I could’ve gone into the office like this. It would’ve been a bit bigger of an affair (not just my department like yesterday) which is less fun for me.
I’m still depressed, but I’m trying to take a different attitude now. My therapist is very kind and I think she understands how to treat people like me. Everyday there are choices, many of them I’ve been making unconsciously for months and months, and it’s time to make changes. I need to love myself more. I’ve hit the eleventh hour, the rock bottom, near the point of no return. The flashes of suicide in my mind have become to scary. What happens when I get a flash driving 75-80 down the highway? When there’s an opportunity to only get myself and hurt no one else? It cannot happen. There is too much more for me to give to others. There is too much more for me to give up now. There is too much to revenge. Too many people for me to prove wrong. Too many friends I need to speak to again. Too many milestones to reach. Too much work to be done. Give up now and it’s all been for nothing.
I am searching for the promised land. I must have faith in myself, I must find the goodness in others, and reject judgements. I have no true God, as I did as a child. I must restore a connection to a faith. Christianity is easiest, since I was raised Catholic. I accept all other forms of reaching truth, and won’t reject any ideas.
Except maybe Mormonism. I don’t think that’s for me.
Blanc Thoughts 